I do not take care of myself.
wishful thinking.
two sides.
fall 2023.
research as making.
a self-exploration project with
original videos, journal writings.
These projects are the results of my visual research and journal writings. Creating them marked a significant step for me in embracing bravery and acknowledging myself. Initially, I embarked on this project as a personal journey to cultivate presence. Amidst numerous responsibilities and tasks, I often felt disconnected from the present moment. My mind would wander even during simple activities like showering, preoccupied with future tasks. I realized I wasn't fully engaged in what I was doing and was dissatisfied with this state of being. I yearned to live more presently and sought ways to achieve that.
Initially, I attempted to focus on warm, lovable, and happy aspects of life, hoping to find solace and direction. However, I soon felt stuck in a cycle, making no tangible progress. This prompted me to question my desire to fixate on positivity.
In response, I turned to my journal, documenting all the sides of myself I disliked. Confidence has always eluded me; I've battled deep-seated insecurities and harbored numerous sides of myself that I wished to conceal, both from others and from myself. I began by acknowledging my neglect of self-care.
The act of creating and sharing these projects was a monumental step for me. I never imagined myself creating something like this, let alone sharing it with others. Initially, I believed that since these projects came from such a personal space, nobody would truly care. However, to my surprise, a lot of people resonated deeply with my work, leading to emotional exchanges where we shared our stories and tears. I realized that many of us grapple with similar struggles, and my work deeply resonated with them. Although I still feel scared about sharing these pieces with others, there's a sense of relief and warmth afterward that motivates me to continue sharing with more people.
I do not take care of myself.
original videos.
original writings.
I documented everything in my journal: what I dislike about myself. However, I found it too harsh, too cruel. So, I turned to the next page and outlined "how" I neglect self-care. I firmly believe that self-care is vital for those who genuinely value themselves. Yet, due to my own lack of self-regard and respect, I discovered numerous ways in which I neglected self-care. This piece represents a deeply vulnerable and honest expression that I still find somewhat scary and intimidating to share with others.
two sides
original videos.
original writings.
I've come to realize that the image of myself I want to project to others, and the person I aspire to be, often differ greatly from who I truly am. I've felt a sense of detachment from the version of myself that others perceive. This realization has revealed a duality within me, typically manifesting in both positive and negative aspects. Through extensive intrapersonal communication, primarily through journal writing, I've identified two distinct selves that emerge in various daily scenarios.
I embarked on a journey to explore and understand these different sides of myself through visual exploration and journaling. However, I've come to the conclusion that no matter how much I try to embrace the 'positive' aspects of myself, deep down, I know it's not truly reflective of who I am. Despite telling myself that tomorrow will be better or that it's okay and that it can happen to everyone, I know that it's not always the case. I know myself well enough to recognize that simply convincing myself otherwise won't change the reality of how I feel. I know it’s not okay.
my wishful thinking
original videos.
original writings.
I often find myself caught up in wishful thinking, urging myself to believe in positive outcomes. However, these wishful thinking typically fall short. Deep down, I know that no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, I won't truly believe in them. What I truly desire for is simply to remind myself to breathe and move normally. To tell myself that it's okay, it’s just okay.